Thirteen Seconds.

I don't want to talk about guys, and I sure don't want to talk about him. I told myself that my new blog wouldn't contain anything about or related to him. But I just can't help it. Not right now.

I've had a fair share of heartaches for the past three years all because of one guy. When I try to recall those moments from the past, all I can say is that I was so stupid back then. It all happened too fast. He would be with me, then leave, then come back when he gets rejected by another girl he had been eying on... Or when he realizes that leaving me "made him feel incomplete". That did happen for a quite a few times, I didn't know why I had my arms wide open every time he wants to come back. Well maybe that's what happens when you're around twelve or thirteen, and you "fall in love" with a guy for the first time. That's not too unusual, right? I don't know, but that's what I'm going to call it.

There won't be any look backs now. I'm not going to elaborate what else happened because I don't want to talk about it anymore. I've been trying to move on for quite some time (or quite a long time). No more calling him when were both free. No more late night texting. No "hi"s or "hello"s, even on Facebook. All that's left is that I still stare at his profile every once in a while... Okay. Fine. Quite often. And I do it like a complete stalker, meaning I make sure that I know everyone who comments on every single thing in his profile. You may think that I'm a complete stalker and and obsessed freak, but I'm not. To be honest, I am so ashamed that I still do that. I don't even tell my closest friends about it because I already know what they'll say. Its the only way that I could see him. Its the only way that I could feel like I'm still a part of his life. Call me obsessed, but I have never had these type of feeling for anyone else but him.

So we've stopped communicating with each other. I rarely see him, and when I do, it would be in an unexpected time and place. Just like when I saw him last year during Palm Sunday. I sang with my co-choir members, I suddenly looked at my right side and I saw him standing still, and he was staring at me. I didn't say anything. He didn't even smiled. was just staring. At that moment, I felt my heart skipped a beat. I was smiling all day and I don't even know if it was for the right reasons. The same thing happened just last month. Good Friday to be specific (Okay, so we get to "unexpectedly" see each other during Holy Week, how lucky). When my family and I were watching the traditional Good Friday procession, my mom suddenly blurted out "Ayun si _____ oh!". I quickly faced the direction she was pointing to and saw him standing there and staring at me. Like what happened last year. It was awkward that he was just standing still when he should have been walking since he was a part of the procession after all, but he stood there while he stared at me. Of course I was twitter-pated and my thoughts were all "Oh God he's staring at me", but I don't really know what he was thinking. Was he happy to see me, or was he surprised that I'm still alive.

Okay so I said a while ago (before I started ranting about him) that my blog would be about boys. But the reason why I made this post is because these past few weeks, he's been appearing in my dreams. Like, always. I know that dreams have meanings, and it leaves me wondering about what my dreams mean when  he's always there. It just gives me weird ideas that maybe were destined to be with each other or that maybe we'll see each other again soon. I just want to know because it doesn't help with the "moving on" plan that I have.

I hate this kind of feeling. Just let me forget about him already.

Just so you know, this post is entitled Thirteen Seconds because in one of my dreams, this was one of the messages that he sent me and it came with a sad faced emoticon. I don't remember why.